Ok Happy Time!So lets think of happy stuff. Lets see...hmmm...
Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Ha take that!
Take that ultimatums!
Take that compromise!
Take that not showering!
Take that Mr. Noodles!
Take that bleeding stomach lining!
I’m bulletproof again! I'm like an autobot! Nothing can touch me, although I was close to it this week, I didn't lose my mind after all. Just transformed it a bit, renewed it a bit and I'm back ready for action, watch me prove stuff. Lots and lots of stuff!
UpdateSo here’s some stuff that’s been going on the past few days.
Sunday:
My two close friends got married. It was a fun event that I got to MC. It was a good time and a very sweet occasion. I was happy to take part in it. Congrats to Steve & Suzy!!!
Monday:
Sort of been feeling down, if you haven’t noticed (refer to the puffy red eyes and zero sex drive) I’ve been eating oysters like crazy but still nothing. Nothing but flaccid disappointment. Just a lot of stress and fucked up triaging of relationships. Also haven’t been eating well, I’m getting by primarily on coffee and cigarettes and the occasional Mr. Noodle. I’ve seen better days, and so has my stomach.
Tuesday:
Still pretty pissed. I was at a bar with some friends when I got an email. The sender was a friend of mine who was at a party in Ottawa. She said people were talking shit about me. I asked what they were saying so she gave me an option:
A) She’d tell me who was saying it, or
B) She’d tell me what they were saying.
I opted for B:
-
"El Chupacabra is the worst kind of guy because he's not just a mean guy, but he's a mean guy who pretends to be a 'good guy' "-
" El Chupacabra tries way too hard"-
" El Chupacabra is a wigger"- "
El Chupacabra is only out for himself. He pretends to care about others but at the end of the day it's all about him"-
"I think he might actually be gay."-
" El Chupacabra let's all these girls think they're his girlfriends and treats them so good so he can just drop them when they expect it least"Needless to say not the happiest stuff. Thanks to MRB and DB for defending me, but man, this sucks to hear. Now I’m trying to track down who said this stuff so I can make up with them cuz evidently I pissed them off.
Wednesday:
Been alright today, shook the dust off my feet and tried to move forward. Still wondering if the people from the other night were joking, sincere, legitimately mad or just jealous. Either way it’s cause to think about my life, and if I’m where I want to be . Already ahead of you bastards. Read my blog, that’s all I do!
Sadly no conclusions yet
Who can tell me the value of mercy?
What might I trade to have this bestowed upon me so I could sleep? I'm tired, tired of staring at this computer through blurry eyes. Tired of typing with trembling fingers. Tired of an empty churning stomach or a mind full of anxious questions.
I'm purposely avoiding people I like. I ignore their calls. I make plans with no intention of keeping them, then break them without telling the person, then feel guilty while ignoring their calls. I'm scarred of silence but beg for solitude. I'm self-conscious about my behavior but make no attempt to amend it.
I keep listening to the same song over and over. "Are we really happy with who we are right now?" by Moneen. The answer is no, in fact I wish I were where I was when I first heard this song. I was failing out of school, breaking up with my girlfriend, languishing in uncertainty and disappointment. I was being lied to and manipulated; I was pissed off by the wet snow. I sat and stared at it through my window while smoking cigarettes all day. One after the other, pack after pack, until the day was over.
There was certain simplicity to it all. I feel sad because of my girlfriend. I suck at school because I'm sad. I don't know what I'm doing in life because I suck at school, and so on. Nothing is so clear-cut now. Nothing to indicate the nature of my disappointment. Nothing but Moneen over and over again.
Oh good, here comes the bridge again...
So what’s better? To be a priority or an option?
As a priority you enjoy respect and consideration, but you also require giving something of yourself in order to retain that admirable position. Stalkers and losers aside, usually you have to earn it. (Stupid ass Kant is popping up everywhere now!)
On the other hand, the benefits of being an option are great as well. As an option there is no obligation to fill any request and no expectation of having them filled yourself. So therefore the option can be very liberating provided the mindset is one where by you enjoy these circumstances.
Does one come with a certain amount of indignity? While the other with too much responsibility? If two people meet both expressing opposite desires, then of course trouble ensues. But if there is a marriage of the both within an individual then things are fine, provided their partner(s) has a similar mentality. One can be a priority while retaining flexibility, and can remain as an option and still be respected. I, of course, prefer the option-both to have and to be.
Take that cleaver T-shirt I found!
"Staring at the setting sun there's no reason to look back again..."I got in what I would call an "important discussion" today with my parents. A few hours later my Mom called to see if I was all right or if I felt she was too hard on me. To be honest I barely noticed, that's not to say I didn't recognize her points or anything, its just it didn't upset me in the slightest. It was apparent she thought it was a fight or at least an argument. So now I wonder am I that detached.
A year in politics has certainly toughened me up. I have to deal with high stress and confrontation all the time. By now I feel that I'm pretty adept at dealing with it to the point that nothing really phases me. Just this summer I stood in a park in Toronto staring at a beautiful girl who I admire and respect. I stared right into her eyes as she told me "You don't care, you only care that you got caught!" The sad thing is that it's partly true. I mean I feel for her, I understand her complaint and see how I'm wrong. I learn from my mistakes but don't change my behaviour. That's a hard thing to realize.
It's weird, now when my skin is it's thickest and I'm able to levy a fair amount of callous indifference, that's when I feel the most. I'm not devoid of emotion or absent of compassion, although I know some people believe that to be the case. The truth is that I empathize with people more than ever, I'm more emotional than ever. I breath deep when I hug a woman, I smell her hair, and I try to formulate blog posts in my head that would truly capture the essence of this embrace. All really corny stuff but I love it. Yet the rational part of me limits these feelings and the resulting expression more often than not is relatively uninspiring.
Immanuel Kant says I'm living wrong, and that an appetite for anything without offering the same amount of yourself is exploitation. In fact he argues it's impossible to offer but a piece of yourself or enjoy or consume a piece of another because humans are "a unity" and can’t be divided. Thus my actions are immoral.
Feeling this way surely isn't, for all my activities (consumption) are not sexual. And perhaps that's where the confusion lies. I'm constantly being made to feel guilty for misleading people or making the same mistakes, when in all honesty my appetite is merely to be consumed myself. I'm kind of just figuring this out as I write this now.
I guess somewhere between neglect and abuse, the two extremes of attention, lies something that I've been missing. In past relationships I've had a long history of both, and in both cases it could be argued that I was the one being objectified, and perhaps that's what I miss. Is this sick? That I revel in a absence of adherence to a categorical imperative that people should treat others the way they would like to be treated themselves?
Is this the legacy of my ex girlfriend? Am I still in love with her? Is the fact that I enjoy consuming others hostilities then put me in violation of the same categorical imperative, and Kant would yet again find me guilty?
BTW if you google "cum fater" I'm the first thing that come up....
The Federation of Hell cont...With the leadership off the sole political party in the Hades Republic now up for grabs, imaginations were stretched and all minds were limitless. A whole new day was descending upon the inhabitant on the far side of the river Styx. New abominations and cruel hostilities were conjured up in ghastly policy announcements, and visions of despair and depravity dripped from every last page of the Daily Brimstone. But it wasn't until an astonishing and new idea broke through that the citizens of the republic actually took a keen interest in the name of self preservation. A dilemma was outlined that threatened the very existence of Hell itself. It caused such a stir that even foreign corespondents at the Purgatory Daily picked up on it.
The 3rd pillar of Hades was announced. Up until now Hades had basically been beholden to the admonitions contained in the "Articles of Succession from Heaven" and the absence of a rule of law. But now, one ghoulish politician released what he felt to be the next measures to ensure the longevity of the Republic. That third pillar was sustainability. This turned the debate on its head as moral questions arose as to the true nature of Hell. Philosophers pondered, business men's eyes glowed at the thought of increased profits or better yet greater volatility. Children squinted at their tv's and radios trying to comprehend this new phenomenon.
"If Hell is to continue we must, I think, fundamentally change the way we do things" stated the demon,
"we must re-evaluate our core principles and look at the yields that they produce. If we are to truly be what we always intended, we need to redefine the idea of virtue, and it's punishment"With the advent of humans looming, forward thinkers appreciated the need for a proper definition of virtue itself and the consequences for it. However, it is difficult as the "Hades Antithetical Dictionary" provided the exact opposite definition of virtue contained within the "Heavenly Lexicon" used in paradise. Therefore making virtue, in its purest sense, evil in the eyes of Heavens' Refugees. However, since evil was regarded as an admirable thing and something to be celebrated, they were facing the introduction of goodness and virtue into hell. Since no provisions were made for this, and only a rigid legal framework that opposed all things Godly was in place, this was quite a constitutional mess that they were facing.
The politician continued,
"The rewards for evil behaviour must be reviewed, so as to ensure a sustainable population growth of lost souls, we must make Hell a attractive destination. We must provide incentives for evil to combat the inevitable warnings that will come against it" So the proposition was a change in not only the mandate of Hell, but also the definition of what was and was not acceptable conditions for entrance to hell.
"The use of good must be employed for the first time by our proud people to attract new souls"Some called Him soft, others progressive, but he stood fast, that evil itself was not a behaviour but an end itself and therefore those committing evil should be encouraged not tormented. The problem was that "good" currently did not exist in Hell, so no amount of "good" was available to bestow upon evil souls thus ensuring their attendance in Hell. So the net effect would be good people coming to Hell by default due to the contradictory definitions contained with in the legal codes of Heaven and Hell. Therefore destroying the very purpose of Hell and a dilution of evil with the new injection of good. So the problem facing them was they had to first find "good" to combat "good" so as to continue their reign of evil. And since the use of "good" was prohibited in Hell, they had to derive a way for its subtle employment of "good" where the punishment wasn't death, which would only further reduce the amount of evil in Hell.
A bit of a wonky day so far...I finally got enrolled in some classes at Ryerson. Two in particular that I'm excited about, the mid east: crisis and conflict and the philosophy of love and sex (Man I love my business degree). Anyways that’s not the weird part. I have an ear ache in both ears (ears aches? is that a medical term?)Also, I sat on my glasses now they’re bent and they keep falling off my face. It's pissing me off.
So this whole homeless thing is catching up with me. I didn't really mind up until now. I had money, but I just ran out and my work has screwed up my last paycheque so it'll be two weeks before I have a single penny. So I'm starving and nic fitting like crazy. Its weird cuz you can smoke to suppress your appetite, or you can eat to combat the cravings. But I can’t do either. I'm testy and want to suck the teeth out of my head. I'm going bonkers. Plus I have nothing to do. I have like 5 hrs before class begins but I can’t afford to ride the subway.
I've been offered a job, its reading trashy love novels and reviewing them. Maybe I can start that today, hopefully you get paid up front…
The Federation of Hell...At the first annual general meeting of the Hades Republic problems arose, the inaugural year was marked with dispute and turmoil. The founding document "the Articles of Succession from Heaven" provide little in the form of governing principles. It may seem odd that this fledgling nation would not thrive in such chaos and destruction, but the administrative department was so bogged down in conflicting claims and civil actions against fellow occupants, that it became a hinderence to the proper functioning of Hell .
Heavens' refugees were very industrious at infighting as warring factions reigned terror on each other over territorial claims. The "Original Sin" that has until now, in the opinion of man, been considered the first sin of Adam, was actually the cataclysmic event that birthed this nation. The betrayal of God and the following expulsion (or succession depending on the point of view), was a central tenant to the proliferation of this new culture. Never again would an event of this magnitude occur and therefore was celebrated and regarded widely as the raison d'être for the inhabitants of hell.
One of the first acts of Lucifer was to destroy the magnificent work of the Lord that was the earth. Gone were the beautiful forests, and the majestic mountains and the bountiful oceans. What was left was a desolate place void of virtue and uninspiring in all respects. This wonderful masterpiece was reduced to rubble and the ensuing nuclear winter caused by the tonnes of displaced earth rocketed into the sky now choked out the sun. The net effect of this devastation was the separation of the continents of Pangea, and rebellious factions warred over scraps of molten rock and rivers of noxious liquid.
When the meeting was called to disorder by interim President Lucifer himself, the rapt audience wondered what the future held for them. He evoked the name of the "Original Sin" to ignite the raucous crowd with national fervour. He and the cabinet of hell, in conjunction with the standing committee on Hellish affairs had issued a joint communiqué in the form of a policy resolution to address the problems at hand. Lucifer was perusing unanimous adoption of the motion, however powerful political rivals challenged the motions. Alcoholism spoke against the motion, especially the point regarding establishing a permanent presidency over the dominion of Hell. Lethargy and Pestilence also took offence to the flagrant abuse of political appointments, however lacked the support to muster a proper opposition. As Lethargy slept, Pestilence was avoided like the plague by those in attendance, and their amendment to introduce caucus votes on appointment died on the floor.
For a full month the AGM raged on, and a series of summery executions and horse trading finally produced the final document. The first resolution to be adopted by the Republic of Hell. Moved by Lucifer and seconded by Infanticide the motion allowed for the establishment of a permanent president with absolute control over the dominion, however conceded to bi-millenial party elections. Also included in the motion was a call for an Leadership election to be held in late November......
After a little bit of digging at the local library I came across an interesting document…
Articles of Succession from Heaven:Henceforth, the undersigned, shall be entitled to the following in accordance with the celestial judiciary, whereby, this agreement shall be abided by and the articles contained within said document considered paramount in any and all courts, be it resolved that one third (1/3) of the inhabitant of the kingdom of heaven shall,
i) Be given freedom of mobility out of, but not back into Heaven and;
ii) Absolute control of the fowls of the air and beasts of the ground and;
iii) The right to levy taxes on human souls, and collect by any means deemed necessary be it torment, distress or even death and;
iv) Be granted exclusive territorial claim over Southern United States, Haiti, North Korea and;
v) Be extended invitation to sit on any and all boards of multinational corporations, UN security councils, and the panel of judges of American Idol and;
vi) Reserve mineral rights and resource extraction permits to all points on earth to the determent of human, animal or ecological life, and;
vii) Observation of all land tenements both dominant and subservient that has been or may be decide upon at a future date, that are both an impediment to the rational functioning of municipal affairs and obfuscating the interstellar bureaucracies, and;
viii) The sole possession of the planet of Saturn as accorded under the Roman law
ix) Absolute control over all destructive forces of nature, and the right to claim responsibility for environmental disaster rendered by practices of man which are detrimental to supporting life on earth;
x) The right to erect places of worship and invent false religions and customs so as to confuse, distract or fuck with humans.
xoxo Lucifer and friends
This is life…Out of work and not enrolled in school. I wander the streets with tones to do, but I ignore it. The nostalgic feeling of early fall washing over me, this now my 25th fall and I wait on the street to watch the leaves change. My mind racing with the mass amounts of work heaped upon me, yet I elect to watch leaves spin in the breeze hoping they’ll fall. Seemingly with nothing to do, I linger in stairwells or lurk on street corners. Nothing thrills me like blowing off work, I’m ecstatic in my lethargy, I celebrate as I shuffle my feet and shove my hands in my pockets. My un-kept hair blows around in the wind, my skin itching from my unshaven face. My heavy eyes survey the side walks and store front for new distractions, for new adventures, for a new drum solo to compose in my head. I could stand here until I see my breath…maybe 20 days to go.
Take a look at me now....Before I was the worlds foremost expert on monsters I was a rapper. At the time I took it very seriously. We'd have weekly practices, writing sessions and we'd work on our back ups. So yeah I have three albums under my belt but I never really got to the point that I wanted as far as my ability to communicate what I wanted within the parameters of 16 bars or what have you. So I just recently moved and came across some of my writing, I've come a long way, I used to touch on a lot of different subjects that frankly I'm not so impressed with now, but near the end I progressed a bit. Heres some excerpts to document the journey...
From the violent....
"Causin' trauma like a suicide bomber so grab your armour/Cuz I'm gonna eat M.C.'s like my name was Jeffrey Daumer/ You fuckers think it's sick, you mother fuckers bet it is/ Fuckin' kids, I'll have you leavin' here with prosthetic limbs..."To the blatantly sexual...
"Yo I score all the time and I don't even practice/ Fuck three bitches in a row you can call it a hat trick/ So throw your mom, your sister, your girlfriend in the mix/ When I'm done fucking these broads I'll throw and octopus on this bitch.."or
"I came through and locked down the whole metropolis/ Shit every girl in Toronto just wanna get on top of this/ I only slide with chicks that operate in twos/ One in lace one in leather like the Moulan Rouge/ And girls are like liquor, yeah I'm hittin' fuckin' all of them/ From your darkest pint of Guinness to your pinkest cosmopolitan.."To the hopelessly vain...
"What it gonna be your girl of your jewels/ I run in this mother fucker and cause your bowels to move/ My voice commands respect just like a powerful tool/ and if you don't be coming correct I'll have to shower you fools/ Never a bad impression, check this raw debut/ Shit he's fuckin' rough, yeah that's what your mom said too.."After which point I got over myself, there was definitely a need to check my ego and examine my self a bit, which yielded the following...
"It's a sad place and time when you come to your senses/To find yourself trapped behind a series of fences/ A 40 hr work week weighs 1000 kilograms/Even the illest man feels confined by circumstance/ Yes I'm compassionate, but still this is my job/Yes I'm egotistical but I still know when I am wrong..."Then I travelled to Australia and it opened my eyes to a lot of things...
"Now I know what it's like to suffocate/To lie awake with your mind at stake/ And in these days, you start to gauge/ How at this certain stage you've misbehaved.."I kind of came across the idea that I wasn't living right, not by my own fault, but due to the super competitive business school environment. I thought I was invincible and made some brash decisions....
"I came upon death and then I laughed into its face/ And I held the same position until I saw my grandpas grave/ So here I stand before you, the invincible man of fame/ A shadow of myself looking for a better way/ So then I quit drinking and I lost like 20 pounds/ And I made some wrong decisions and I'm feeling singled out..."I experience some set backs with the break up of my long term girl friend and things got a little ugly...
"Your not killing time, it's killing you/ Filling you with hate that you'll be instilling soon/ In younger ones, in another's sons/ Turning air to ashes in someone's lungs/ Don't make me choose between guilt or regret/ Push your lips to mine and inhale this burning breath..."It gets worse and worse in terms of levels of despair, however, I became increasingly pleased with my use of imagery and my heightened creativity. So Its was a long process from vain superficial regurgitation of pop culture to a more aware sense of self. It helped me through a bunch and I have tonnes more. I think one day I'd like to write some more....
The little known 4th verse of Amazing Grace is rarely sung, and for the most part ignored entirely. I find this a shame because personally I think its the most beautiful part of the song.
"When we’ve been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun. We’ve no less days to sing God’s Praise than when we’d first begun."RCA records and the Catholic Church has gone to great lengths to turn this beautiful hymn into a marketing tool. Let me walk you through this verse by verse.
Verse 1
"I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see" Typical scenario that leads people to God, wayward souls can identify with the concept of being lost or blind and are intrigued by the thought of deliverance. Its the dope hook that gets their heads nodding and gets ‘em in the front door.
Verse 2
"How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed." This is a testimonial and by extension and admonition. Cause and effect; if you believe you shall be redeemed. This was utilized by organized religion to attract people to Jesus' sweet salvation and convert those bad boys into abortion clinic bombing crusaders!
Verse 3
Overcoming adversity "Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come." These are all pitfalls that can be avoided by accepting Jesus as your Lord, however was cleverly spun into this is what you will return to if you fall out of fellowship with the lord. Its now the equivalent of if you don’t get the new 7 blade razors girls will laugh in your stubly face. Get out your cheque books.
This song deals with the great obstacles that you can over come with God in your life, and is beautiful both in its message and aesthetic appeal. However much of the message is lost, especially with the exclusion of the fourth verse. Lets talk about end game. Salvation is eternal, and there will come a day when the problems or adversity we face on earth are gone and nothing but tranquillity will reign. So why exclude this last verse? The concept of everlasting life and immediate salvation through Romans 10:9-10 doesn't exactly keep the register ringing. So to keep record sales up and the tithe coming it was removed, you now have to continually buy your way into heaven or risk eternity in hell or purgatory. The culmination of the song revels that God’s promise of eternal life is absolute, but that makes for a shortened product life cycle. So they built in obsolesce to the promise, and insisted on a renewable contract rather than a life time guarantee. Its a shame really, big business wins again.
"Good morning heartache, you're like an old friend to come and see me again...."This weekend I ran into an old friend. I was very surprised to see them as I was in Montreal. I was first properly introduced to them when I was 18 in Scarborough. We sat in my car after a particularly eventful night full of fights and threats of fights. We nervously chatted over pizza, adrenaline still coursing through us. Over the years we became very close, always bumping into each other at very inopportune times; before my first rap performance in Gilford, or during an embarrassing row with my girlfriend in North York.
I had gone almost two years before seeing them when all of a sudden I ran into them several times this summer. Each time were brief encounters where we largely ignored each other, we passed by and were relieved that we didn't have to confront the fact that we were trying to avoid each other. So there I was in McGill rez when they walked right in. I propped myself up on my elbow and squinted into their face, not believing that they actually stood in front of me. I cringed in their shadow as they told me they heard I was in Montreal. I gave a brief description of my life recently, I told them how I was bullet proof and they said they could tell that I was bullet proof then we both chucked awkwardly knowing that I was lying and was not in fact bullet proof.
Although I dreaded this moment, (we both moved in similar circles, but were always in crowded enough place so as to pretend we didn't notice each other) but here when there was nothing to distract us I enjoyed staring blankly into each others faces. They said they too were to blame for this fall out and that I ought not to feel bad. I squirmed at this in discomfort and tried to change the subject but they held fast. I had a million different excuses for avoiding them but really only one reason. So as conversation unfolded I grew more and more at ease. We listened to Bright Eyes and the Weakerthans and soon we picked up right where we left off. So now we're part of each others lives again and I'm thankful for that. Usually I hate catching up, in most cases if I grow apart from someone its due to a conscious decision of my own, but now it aint so bad. Its funny, I tied to ward them off with callous indifference or distracted vagueness but they kept pursuing.
So now I'm happy which is weird, and comfortable which is definitely weird, but its a nice change of pace.
Guess who's back?
After a long hiatus I'm back on the streets. I recently got evicted from my apartment in Kensington, my friends put me out on my ass because I couldn't sign the lease for a year. It's fine though no hard feelings, I've been here before. I've welcomed my newfound hoboness and am adjusting well. I've already stopped shaving and started wearing socks two days in a row. A few years ago, after returning from Europe I got screwed out of a place to live when my roommate moved to India. Thanks, it spawned a year long adventure across parking lots and random couches. I'm reveling in the fact that I have no fixed address. The other night I talked to a crack head (I knew he was cuz not only did he admit it but he had crack in his hand). He told me that if I ever wanted to try it, the dealers would know that I was "green" and try and sell me walnuts or breadcrumbs. He said you should always taste it first, good thing my friend Justin was there to stop me because I was a little curious of the taste.
A few years back I grew a big beard and long hair. I became extremely selfconscious and quiet. I moved through crowds, not wanting to make eye contact. I hated meeting new people and stepping on to the subway was always shameful. I would read the Globe then stuff my jacket with it. I'd let the sweet words of John Ibbitson warm me in my sleep. I'd say "Fuck Sudoko!" no need for math puzzles on the street. I'd get mad at the self righteous comments section, if I had something to say I'd yell it at a street car. I'd howl at the moon, and complain of the bugs in my hair. I'd scrub my body with the soap scum found on the shower curtains at the Y because I couldn’t afford soap. I'd use my parking tickets to scribble down my thoughts then rip them up the next morning in a fit of selfloathing and pity at my drunken prose.
I'm looking forward to it again. A whole new world and these streets are limitless, a whole new world and its my turn to visit it (again)...
