Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Who can tell me the value of mercy?

What might I trade to have this bestowed upon me so I could sleep? I'm tired, tired of staring at this computer through blurry eyes. Tired of typing with trembling fingers. Tired of an empty churning stomach or a mind full of anxious questions.

I'm purposely avoiding people I like. I ignore their calls. I make plans with no intention of keeping them, then break them without telling the person, then feel guilty while ignoring their calls. I'm scarred of silence but beg for solitude. I'm self-conscious about my behavior but make no attempt to amend it.

I keep listening to the same song over and over. "Are we really happy with who we are right now?" by Moneen. The answer is no, in fact I wish I were where I was when I first heard this song. I was failing out of school, breaking up with my girlfriend, languishing in uncertainty and disappointment. I was being lied to and manipulated; I was pissed off by the wet snow. I sat and stared at it through my window while smoking cigarettes all day. One after the other, pack after pack, until the day was over.

There was certain simplicity to it all. I feel sad because of my girlfriend. I suck at school because I'm sad. I don't know what I'm doing in life because I suck at school, and so on. Nothing is so clear-cut now. Nothing to indicate the nature of my disappointment. Nothing but Moneen over and over again.


Oh good, here comes the bridge again...

5 Comments:

At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They try to stop you from dreaming.
They're there to make your life hell.
Just try to stop me from dreaming believing.

Don't stop believing or dreaming for that matter........ I always see in you so much more potential than at times you see in yourself. don't give up, 2000 years from now you will see those writting about what greatness you had become, and worshipping the places you stopped at, booster juice, red room.........china town and all the others

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 12:06 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

i never know... should i comment or not? i never really knew you. wanted to. but didn't. didn't make the effort. thought you just didn't like me. didn't get me. figured we were too different. not that different. i've always loved you for who i thought you probably were underneath the guy who can be easy to write off... that's not exactly what i feel but words escape me. but you wrote me off too so i can't really apologize or feel too afraid to put it that way. well anyway these are not thoughts in response only to this post but really all the things i have thought since i started realizing who was the author of this blog. and of course realizing Who You Are.

i never thanked you for the other night. those 3 and a half minutes talking with you meant a lot.

the imagery in this post is so vivid. i can see it almost. the first part - the disappearing from people's lives for a little while, I've done that too. I just can't bear to put on the social mask and costume and deal with all the expectations... and i agree with anonymous... the first one anyway.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger Dizzy said...

the smell of your skin
the shape of your arms
the taste of your lips
the feel of your hair
your touch

 

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