Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I got now, I dont care whos got next!

The other day I was stopped on the street by an Ultra Orthodox Jew with his 3 children by the Eaton Centre. He asked if I were Jewish, his eyes seemingly lighting up on my approach. I said “no” and continued on my way but turned to my companion and said “Mazol-Tov bitches!”

Typically my Jewish friends don’t accept my partial Jewish ancestry and dance around singing things like “Gentile, gentile, there’s only one part that matters” while snipping their fingers like scissors and waddling side to side in a slow and what I can only assume traditional Jewish shimmy.

First of all; I’m pretty sure they use a scalpel and secondly you’re an asshole! Anyways, I wouldn’t give up my foreskin for anything, shit this thing could stop a bullet not to mention the additional benefits of prolonged endurance and auxiliary bladder if you pinch it right. Plus your dancing sucks.

In any event it was a nice, if not strange validation.


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Monday, December 15, 2008

This last Shabbat was a big one for me. I guess everything sort of came together and I was able to have a meaningful transcontinental experience.

Standing in the snow among the evergreens of my farm I was able to place a stone I took from Auchwitz on my Naugpapa’s grave a year to the day that I stood beneath the Western Wall in Jerusalem. My Naugpapa had been in a concentration camp twice and had escape both times. As I did this, far away in that same city, friends of mine stood before the Wall as I once did. I had just gotten a pin to that affect confirming that I was being thought of.

I recalled its peculiar yellow glow and imagined how it would reflect off their fair skin or blonde hair. I wondered if they searched its crevices filled with the hopes of the devout and faithful, as I had twice before but neither time being able to seal the deal and have my prayers answered.

As I placed the stone on top of the Kopjafák, the traditional Transylvania funeral marker, I hoped that it could retain its superior position at least through the winter. Hoping is hard, sometimes things don’t work out the way you would want. As I walked away my girlfriend asked if I wanted to pray, I said I had friends at the wall thinking of me right now, and that’s more than I could ever ask for.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A gangsta and a gentleman...

Some of my buddy’s pictures from his trip to Ukraine have started surfacing on his facebook and it got me remembering.

Remembering making eyes at a prostitute across the hotel lobby in Kiev while waiting for my passport they had in lockup. I had a pocket full of Hryvnia that wasn’t mine and I had to get rid of it anyways, I didn’t want to get arrested for capital flight. A problem we all encountered as a guy ended up giving me 200 UAH at the airport for guessing his tie was designed by Jerry Garcia. In any event I wondered if maybe I should clean the caviar from my teeth so she didn’t gouge me just in case I decided to go through with it.

I had already justified the porn mag I had bought earlier, I wanted to learn about local preference and sensibilities (didn’t know that hemorrhoids would be one of them) but this would truly be a cross cultural exchange. Maybe it was the romance of the revolution, I wasn’t exactly ducking bullets but I was all alone and my journalist friend was able to confirm for me back in Odessa the rumours of the stabbing of a Diplomat across the Dnipro just the other night, so that was enough to bolster the adrenaline enough.

Luckily I was saved by the young blonde (of course) in her leather jacket (of course). She said she was waiting for a ride from her sister but had no way of getting a hold of her. I offered my blackberry after being surprised that one of the few English words she new was “SMS”. The wedding was breaking up and the lobby was filling with people, as they started to shuffle out the door into the gently falling snow I tried my best to blend in and follow behind, craning my neck one last time to catch a final glimpse of that hookers’ panties, hoping that there wasn’t Anusol in her purse. She glowered at me and snapped her legs shut.

It was too early for them to go home, especially in the heady days following the revolution. There had to be a jazz club or a disco out there somewhere, and they were going to lead me to it.

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Friday, December 05, 2008

The shape of things to come (/) in the not so distant future….

Who knew that a year later this week these statements would come true.

…as necessity was always only the dominate force of progress, a new paradigm was required to mediate the differentials between an ever present future, a lack of pure or absolute present and an ideal of a past now so remote due to the rapidity of evolution that the concept of the reintroduction of the galaxies most sentimental creatures was considered…

What I wouldn’t give to have my Grandma back. How sentimental is that?

A year before I uttered these words; “Love supplements the human search for value with a capacity for bestowing it gratuitously.”

Who knew that I would just now begin to understand it...


Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Collecting Debts

Oh Google Alerts, you are so attentive. Messaging me while I’m still asleep like the good friend that you are so that when I wake up I have lots of cute messages to start my day. Its ok that you’re not human, sentience is over rated and not entirely necessary for a fulfilling and sexy relationship.

I'd kill for the sultry voice of a telemarketer.

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Monday, December 01, 2008

Setting fire to sleeping giants

Up until this point I though sadness was violent. Drinking blood and breathing fire violent. Tantrums resulting in bloody fists and broken glass violent. Vowing revenge as you’re dragged away in handcuffs violent. Enduring years of prison sex just to make a point violent.

Quite the opposite is true. My phone hasn’t rang in days.

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