Wednesday, August 30, 2006

You weren’t there, so eat a dick!

I'm gonna tell you about the first time I killed a zombie. Ray wasn't there so before you hit me with your calculator...go eat a dick!

Anyways, I was ten years old. At that time the greatest love of my life was salad. So much so that it almost spelled disaster for me the first time I encountered a zombie. By now everyone must know how much I hate the undead buggers, this one was real ugly and slow as shit. It wasn't a cool hyper zombie a la 28 Days Later. This was a lazy ass 80's zombie, dorky track suite, high tops, a fade, the works. So anyways I was in my kitchen fixing some KD after school when the zombie knocked on the door. I was all like "what the hell are you doing here zombie?" and he was all like" Yo' why don’t you step right now, I'm trying to eat your brains"

So as a 10 year old I was scared, I wasn’t then regarded as the worlds foremost expert on zombies like I am now, so I didn’t really know what to do. My big brother once told me that vampires hated garlic, so I thought maybe that might work on zombies too. But on the other hand, he also told me I was adopted and my real parents were robots, and that a dildo was a type of snake (that went over well when I asked my mom) so I didn’t know if I could trust him.

So I went to the fridge anyways and grabbed some garlic, but then I saw the love of my life-salad. So delicious, fresh from the garden, recently prepared by my mom. Since this zombie was slow, I figured I could probably mow down on a lil' salad before he got to me. One problem though, the salad was a little light on the extras, I like my salad with carrots and onions, croutons and all that. So I grabbed a knife and stared dicing up some tomatoes. I julienned some carrots then minced some onions. It was a culinary master-piece (after the destruction of earth and the re-evolution of man, maybe manna from heaven will come in this form). Anyways, I was feeling pretty proud of myself, I had a kick ass salad and I was good to go. But then this broke ass zombie moved in front of the open door of the fridge. I was all like "Hey man, 'aint nobody come between me and my zesty Italian!" The zombie, non receptive to the urgency of my demand simply asked "You gonna’ back that ass up, or should I push up on it?"

Gross, this homo zombie cannibal bitch is trying to hump me! So I had to waste him. Booya! Onions in the eyes. Take that bitch, why don’t you cry a little, then I followed up with the crouton-carrot-combo. Smack! Smack! "What now? Bring it" said the zombie This zombie was starting to piss me off so I had to do it! Thanks to the marvels of the tomato (which has the highest latent heat capacity of all vegetables, that is the ability to retain heat) I plopped this plump little bastard in the pot of boiling water from my KD, fished it out then smacked him in the face with it.
The zombie was completely incapacitated by this, which made the requisite cutting off the head and burning the body separately a breeze. Ever since then I have a deep respect and appreciation for salad and refuse to eat it as a sign of reverence.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Look up...

Later this month Mars will be closer to earth than it will for another 60,000 years. It will be so close that it will appear as the same size as the moon in the evening sky. That’s some crazy shit…

Already scientists are able to view Mars in exceptional detail like never before. Initial reports provide some insight into why Mars is red. Turns out its red because it is in fact rusting. Soil samples analyzed by the Spirit Mars rover confirm a highly ferrous content to the soil, so this poses many problems for scientists the world over. Several conditions have to exist in order for this to happen, all of which defy conventional understanding of this planet. Guess what douche bag scientists, turns out …

1) Mars is a solid metal orb. Things can’ rust that aren’t metal.
2) Oxygen is present on Mars. Rust is basically just the oxidization of metal so therefore there’s gotta’ be enough O2 up there to rust that fucker out!
3) Water is also present on Mars. Water rusts stuff right?

Anyways, the implications of all this are huge. Looks like Mars in inhabitable after all. I’m booking my trip tomorrow.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A great C.D. once told me

"Breathe easy friend, let not bitter fruit sour your breath"

Thanks C.D. I appreciate it. It's been a rough day, and I'm sure as a C.D. you must have had hard days yourself. Sure you're perfectly circular with a mirror finish, so there’s not much to criticize, and if you stop working it's cuz someone else scratched you. Really no fault of your own.

Oh wise C.D. when was the last time your enemies press released about you? or devoted nasty blog post about you? iPod never was rude to you even though it's kicking your obsolete ass all over the place.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The streets couldn't wait...

I was originally gonna save my post on bentonite until next week but because kchan asked for it here you go. In fact I can roll two of your requests into one.

Firstly, bentonite isn't so much a chemical as it is a mineral; it comes in two forms depending on the sodium or calcium content. Its chemical composition is (Na,Ca)0.33(Al,Mg)2Si4O10(OH)2·(H2O)n. The most notable characteristic of Sodium Bentonite is the fact that it grows in water. In fact it can absorb several hundred percent of its dry weight. Here is where I draw some parallels...

The chemical emitted during sexual climax and child birth is called Oxytocin. It shares many of the same chemical components of Bentonite, however the similarities do not stop there. I suppose its best to explain this is by way of example....

One day on a summer afternoon I lay on the couch with a girl. We had just recently met and I was sort of digging her, but as the afternoon progressed I became more attached to her. I lightly dragged my fingertips over her smooth skin, I watched closely as the hairs on her arm would bend back under my fingers and spring back as my fingers passed. I was shocked at the detail that I was paying attention to, but I was truly captivated. I let her skin tickle my palms as I moved them over her body. I watched the shadow across her collarbone shift as her chest would rise and fall with each quickening breath.

It was then that I realized I was falling in love. I know, cuz it happens everyday...Anyways, it was then that I recalled my favorite mineral Bentonite. Although I am often characterized by my callous indifference, I was filled with emotion. As we lay there are hands intertwined and our neutron repelled each other in natures biggest tease. We sat there not quite touching but our molecules coursing back and forth between their respective magnetic fields. They would visit me and send shivers through my hand before returning to do the same to her. I was able to absorb many times my own dreams, a hundred times my own passion, and a thousand times my own fear. For as we lay there, we were both terrified knowing that at one point stop we’d have to stop. The idea of having to be separated at this molecular level was intolerable, and the splitting of these atoms would be devastating in the same sense that is always associated with splitting atoms.

So there we lay, trying not to split atoms, but fuse them. Trying to absorb each other’s energy, to share our vitality, to mix our very being. It was love; it was the wonders of nature’s gift to Saskatchewan (where there’s tonnes of the stuff) Bentonite. A perfect example of the mixing of two things and the creation of a third, a combined one.

There kchan, everything you ever wanted to know about love and Bentonite!

Monday, August 21, 2006

For Immediate Release
Aug 21st Proclaimed Día de los Muertos!
Disrtict Federale, Mexico

It is with great relief that The Government of Mexico confirms the death of the dreaded Chupacabras. The Mexican ministry of zoology in conjunction with the U.S. state department has conclusive evidence that the creature that was killed in Maine last week is in fact the Chupacabras. This confirmation comes from the reconciliation of dental impressions left on animal corps from around the country and from the carcass of the beast itself.

When it’s DNA was processed through the UNES database, no matches were found for either genus or species, further confirming that this is in fact a demonic being not related to any known creature on earth. Autopsies reveled the contents of the beast stomach. Contents include cat, chicken, and of course goat.

News of the death of El Chupacabras had been cause for celebration as parades and fiestas have swept the nation. The Mexican Government wishes to commend its noble people, who throughout the ages had withstood the viscous attacks. Schools and Government offices have taken the day off to join in the festivities, and Aug 21st will henceforth be known as la Día de los Muertos.

The traditional Día de los Muertos will still be observed on the 31st of October, however due to the magnitude of such an event El Presidente, has submitted a bill to the senate to have this an official annual holiday. "Finally this scourge upon our people has been defeated, and I must recognize the resoluteness of the Mexican people, who for centuries have been have been terrorized by this monster" Fox said.

An emergency joint meeting of the Andean Community and MERCOSUR has been called to discuss the burial place of El Chupacabras. Mexican foreign dignitaries have been lobbying hard to have the remains placed in the Mexican Museum of Natural History, as Mexico is widely regarded as the place of origin of El Chupacabras.

For more info contact:
Claudio Abruja
Tel. 011/52/55/5/ 208-0874,
Fax: 011/52(55) 208-0874,
Tokio 7 - H, Col. Juárez, México, D.F.

Friday, August 18, 2006


SBM-Single Brown Male 20- Looking for woman aged 18-23.

Looking for someone with strong math comprehension who can assist in his space elevator design. Prefers someone who looks good in zero gravity and has a firm grasp on nebular dynamics.

Studying finance in Toronto but also enjoys politics, Bollywood movies and the feel of sand beneath his feet. Will do it anywhere, back of a Volkswagen, Salad King or Robart’s library. Has a romantic spot on the 6th floor by the engineering stacks.

Has a million dollar smile and a love for purple clothes. Shaves all his body hair, he’s soft like a horses bladder. Looking for someone with at least two years plow experience and no family history of retardation.

Very inexperienced, needs someone to baby him. Ask him about his “curry express!”

If you’re interested leave a comment. No Uzbecks please!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Bon Voyage El Chupacabra!

Seeing as I'm the world’s foremost expert on the subject I'm a little disappointed that my good friend "Chuppy" didn’t drop me a line to say he was nearby. I was also very sad to hear that my good buddy has died. Read the article here

Below is an obituary that I crafted to recognize all the hard work that our friend has done over the years.

El Chupacabra, ?-2006

Violently, by a hapless motorist on the morning of Saturday 12th, in Turner, ME.

“Chuppy” or "Hybrid Mutant thing" as he was affectionately referred to, made history by being one of the most enduring scourges on the Mexican population. Zapatistas and dysentery do not have the combined number of kills as this legendary creature.

Originating in Southern Mexico, and revered by Aztecs and Olmecs of old, El Chupacabras started gaining popularity when it started haunting the villages of Puerto Rico. In recent years it has began traveling extensively reaching as far south as Chile, and now on its most northern expedition to date was terminated.

As a child, Chuppy, was a shy recluse who only came out at night. His childhood friends the Moth man and the New Jersey Devil both recall him as being charming if not a little misunderstood. Chuppy, witnessed the arrival of the Spaniards in the 1400's and lamented their brutal treatment of the local people. It was then that Montezuma commissioned the young Chupacabras to exact vengeance upon the intruders, and for a brief period was considered the original Montezuma’s revenge.

At the time, the road to El Dorado was littered with the corpses of conquistadors. And he was forever immortalized for his service to the empire when he was honored with the construction of the "calle de los muertos" or the Boulevard of the Dead. Rumors swirled that El Chupacabras was killed when it didn’t show up to the ground breaking of the route. But a year later he appeared in time for the opening of it, just in time to leave an impression in the still wet Bronze Age cement.

In recent years El Chupacabras fell into obscurity a little when Mexican President, Vincente Fox, was declared the nuevo chupacabres by its rightist opponents. It was assumed that Chuppy joined a paramilitary operation in Guatemala and Ecuador, due to the brutalized remains of some military officials. To this day, that portion of Chuppy's history is relatively unknown. During this time drug cartels seized control of the region and some attribute this to the viscous killing force of El Chupacabras.

Considered by some a scourge of God, and others the protector of indigenous rights, El Chupacabre has always been shrouded in mystery. Best remembered for his crooked teeth a luminescent eyes, as well as his penchant for murder, Chuppy was always quick the laugh and enjoyed the blood of farmyard animals. Friends will miss his quirky demeanor and progressive stance on interspecies marriages.

Chuppy died at an unknown age and was killed during one of his favorite hobbies- chasing a cat across the road.

I'll close with the kind remarks of a fellow Chupacabras loyalist..

"What we need to do is alert the Mexican government that we have captured the beast, then prepare a raft of palms to send it across Three Mile Pond toward the underworld. The raft should be doused with kerosene and lit, because what we do know about the Chupacabra is that it would rather burn alive that suffer the chilly waters of the lake."

Goodbye Chuppy we will miss you.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The new hot topic...

So the last post has spurred discussion on the following question; is it possible for a black hole to destroy life on earth without destroying the earth itself? Is it an all or nothing sort of thing?

I would say that it is possible, although not eminent, without a doubt, for a black hole to destroy earth. But, I do believe that it could also have an adverse effect on earth with out swallowing it whole. My commenter Ray, on the other hand feels, that there is no way a black hole can inflict damage upon earth without totally destroying it. Its worthy to note first of all that Ray is a virgin, but also has a very good grasp on astro-physics, yet I choose to challenge him on this.

Let say a black hole opened 100 light years away (all numbers hypothetical) and no adverse effects were delivered upon earth-human life would continue. Now lets say that same black hole opened only 50 light years from earth and consumed the whole galaxy, we're screwed for sure. Now suppose a black hole opened 75 Light years away, far enough away not to completely devour us, but far enough away so interfere with the gravitational arrangement that suspends us and every other planet in space.

This too is plausible; if the outer reaches of the galaxy are pulled even the slightest bit this could cause a chain reaction, which could affect us. Yes I know the galaxy is always expanding, and moving at the same time but lets say the black hole changed its trajectory. It could pull planets off its orbit just a bit by adding an additional force other than the, up until this point, unchallenged force emitted by the sun which holds the planets in alignment. If this changed the axis at which the earth rotates guess what, we're toast. Hey lets see what happens when polar ice caps are now more directly exposed to the sun's rays. Water levels would rise dramatically, killing millions. Or if its tilted the other way, winters of unimaginable ferocity would be visited upon some of the most populated regions of the planet. Which I might add, does not have the required capacity to withstand!

Or lets postulate some more, smart ass! What if due to new gravitational forces caused by said black hole sent entire asteroid belts hurdling towards earth. Think about it, chaos of unimaginable proportions. Nuclear winter caused by so much dust and debris in the atmosphere, blocking the suns rays.

What say you Ray? Spit some of your theoretical gangsta' astro physics now.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Goodbye sweet Artemis...

I had a close friend tell me that what I do is wrong. Like the most important person I know, tell me that I hurt people.

All I wanted was that in 2000 years from now, martian tourist would book trips to visit earth and stop at the booster juice at bloor and st george. I wanted them to examine the ruins and bring back necklaces, filed with sand that was excavated from its site. I wanted them to present it to their loved ones back home. To wear around their necks, close to their hearts, so that they too could have the majestic and symbolic weight upon their very life blood as it coursed through their veins, a testament, of a piece of history that they could connect with and say that they too grasped but a portion , a vile full, of the love and intensity, that shaped my life.

I wanted them to offer all inclusive packages that included a stop at the red room, where lovers could do pilgrimages to the location that changed the course of this very world. I wanted them to visit the remnants of the Vatican which housed the new "shroud of Turin". My grey t-shirt. The one I wore that night, and illustrates the passion of devoted lovers in the height of their youth. I wanted people to gaze upon the ruble and jest that this stray string or random litter is in fact part of the shirt I wore on that fateful night.

I wanted to be the 8th wonder of the world, and people to marvel at the majesty and definitive nature of my love. I wanted to be mentioned in the same breath as the pyramids, and stone henge’s. The hanging gardens of Babylon and the temple of Artamis. Mere stepping stones to an event so crucial and cataclysmic that it shaped the very earth. An event that spurred the mass migration of the planet to interstellar occupation and inhabitation.

Anywhere the sun shone, it was only to illuminate and highlight my love that people could but grasp its intensity and importance. The world, the whole universe revolved around us.

Black holes and supernovas were the devils best attempt at destroying the one event that changed the course of human history. And super evolved species would tisk and shake their heads at the devils vain attempt to conquer what is truly an indestructible force.

Yet the simple words of a friend destroyed it all. Goodbye pyramids, you had a good 3000 year reign. The sphinx, you were a gem, but you too must disappear. All these lost treasures in a simple sentence that redefined human existence and fundamentally changed the route of all man.

Hearts once nourished with hope an compassion are now the fall of every man. And desolate places is what is left to reside in...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Zombies piss me off…

They’re always strutting around with such attitude. Man screw you zombies! Why are you so high on yourselves? You eat human brains for God’s sakes, you look like shit, you probably smell (I’m guessing here, cuz I’ve never met one.) I guess their arrogance comes from the fact that they speak Latin. Ooohh big deal you dead bastards! Of course you speak Latin, that’s what everyone speaks when they’re dead! It’s not like you studied it at Oxford or something, so drop the attitude-your not better than me! Stuck up bitches!

Because zombies speak Latin, only doctors and professors can fight them. Like Dr. Van Helsing, or professor Michael Ignatieff. They can communicate with them, so they know their moves and the way they think. But then when one of these zombie hunters get killed by zombies and become undead ghouls themselves, they too speak Latin, perpetuating the stereotype, and inflating an already pompous population.

Go to hell Zombies, or back to Cambridge!

Monday, August 07, 2006

My street....

This is my first blog entry since comming back from the east coast. I'll cover that in another post though.

As I mentioned before I live in between china town and kensington market. A great place full of excitement and exotic intrigue. The other night I walked down spadina after the bar. It was around midnight and the street was littered with coconuts that vendors chop open so you can drink from them. They're too big to fit in the garbage cans so people perch them on top of what ever flat surface they can find. Often on top of the garbage bins, or on door steps or window sills. Also crushed rambutan stains the street red after a million feet have treadover them. Although they are no longer physically recognizable, their sent still lingers and you track it into the house with you when you arrive home.

Piles and piles of fruit and vegitable boxes are stacked on the street and saran wrapped to street posts. Interacrial couples side step the various obsticles like urine stains or chinese newspapers. I was one of them, or we were two of them I guess. We weaved and crisscrossed the sidewalk part drunk stumbling part obsticle course.

Here amoung the dim sum restaraunts and bootlegged dvd's stores people make their livings. Here university student race to the pub, elderly men haggle with customers over the price of fish or fresh produce, and young lovers pass through just trying to navigate the way without having to let go of each others hands.

A great place to live, especially if your the young lovers.

I awoke the next day, and my car had been broken into. I had my checkbook and a spare set of car keys in the car but that wasn't taken. All that was stolen was the change from my cup holder. Obviously a crackhead looking to finance his next fix. Even the least amount of sophistication would have him steal my car and sell it for junk parts or kite my cheques. But no just my change. No damage was done, just all my papers thrown around. I can't really be mad at the guy who breaks it to my car, has me completely vulnerable (although I didn't know it) and only takes a few bucks. Ah my I love you.

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