Thursday, July 27, 2006

Take a minute...

I’ve figured out a perplexing issue that has plagued mankind for ages. The secret to immortality, well sort of. Its not contained in a serum, or a fountain it has more to do with geography. I will compare and contrast two groups of people and we’ll see the difference between them. The first group; Intuits, the inhabitants of the far north. It is thought that due to the harsh environment and extreme conditions that they would not live long lives. This was supported by the compilation of scientific evidence, which documented the average life expectancy, which in itself is rather low. However this isn’t the case. It is a long standing Inuit tradition, that once an elder reaches the age where they become a burden on their family they are put on an ice floe and sent off to expire while being one with the land/ice that supported them all these years. Since the Inuit people are highly mobile due to the need to always search for food, these old timers slow them down. Sure this has implication, when a baby is born with no teeth, which of course always the case, they stand around wondering what the hell is wrong with it. Its because there no elders left to tell them “don’t worry…it’s okay”

Anyways, finally one elder Inuit opted out of this ritual, and the results were astounding. Initial finding conclude that life expectancy has more to do with the latitude at which you reside and not the conditions of that environment. Every year the earth rotates a total of 365 times, everyone knows that, but the axis at which it rotates provides different amounts of pressure on living beings at different points across the globe. As well the earth rotates once around the sun each year, further intensifying this pressure or “galactic drag coefficient” as I like to call it. Anyways, those living in the far north have less of this “GDC” imposed on their body each year resulting in remarkably lower stress on the bones, joints and muscles. This is because in each year the point at which they live is moving slower and covering less distance during the rotation. All these contribute to a stronger constitution able to perform difficult duties like chasing caribou or living in snow banks.

Transversely, the second group, those living along the equator, have a much larger quantity of GDC to endure. This report has stated that the effect of galactic drag is a larger contributing factor to early death then war and disease. This flies in the face of conventional thinking, but according to the research at Rjkvblanatik-Vrasaghlok University it is conclusive evidence of the main factor in determining life expectancy. The lessons that can be learned from this is in order to combat Galactic Drag Coefficient one must move to the far north and live out your many, many, many days running after baby seal and building snow forts.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

It was all a dream....

I had a great dream the other night. I hooked up with a girl from work in it; it was so vivid I didn’t even realize I was dreaming. I was so excited at our first encounter, sure we flirted before but this was unexpected. Even know I can remember the feel of her breath on my neck. Our heads together her lashes tickling my cheeks, it was all very sweet. I reveled in the fun we had, greatful that this damn summer internship was finally paying off. All those long hours that we were side by side in the office and now this. Her cute smile, her great laugh, brightened up the whole working environment and now I was able to delight in the fact that it was just the two of us. But then it turned disastrous; I woke up from my dream, only to find it was a dream with in a dream. Now instead of being with this beautiful girl, I was dry humping some dude named Danylo from my office. It was horrible. I felt so awkward seeing him the next day.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Road Trip

I’m going to P.E.I. this weekend, I’m so excited. It’s gonna be a long and sweaty ride there, cuz like 7 of us are getting a van and driving, should be good times. We plan to stop in Halifax for a day, so that’ll be great too. I have a friend who lives out there and was just in Toronto for a few weeks but I never had a chance to really chill with him, so hopefully we can connect on his turf.

At any rate I’m totally stoked, I’ve never been out that way so it should be great. I had another friend just return from there and she said it was awesome, so I have some real high hopes. I’ve traveled to many different countries and have been impressed by a lot of things, so lets see how my own country stacks up.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Don't F*ck With My Blog!

My blog has been invaded! I have some douche bag company commenting on every post. And under it is a link to a bunch of different companies, all debt management and equity subsidiaries of the same firm. I have a couple things to say about this...

The target demographic of my site is not the same as that of the companies. Really I don’t tell anyone about my blog, those who visit my site are like 3 of my friend…(two of which don’t comment BTW!) and a bunch of people from this place where I volunteer. This group, I’ll say, my primary audience, are all anti establishment, down with big business, very suspicious of corporations types. They don't want your services, infact they probably hate you. The other group, are those who think their going to learn a lot about paranormal activity because I have the stupid word ghost in my title. These people, I imagine, don’t need equity financing, because you don’t need a loan to buy Battlestar Galactica action figures!

So the relative return on investment is nil. Yes I’m aware they have an automated system that patrols random blogs, inserting comments, all with the link to their company, with a phenomenally low cost. However, lets talk about brand equity, each comment you post rapidly erodes it. Its unsolicited correspondence, SPAM really, which is deceptive, ineffective and actually embarrassing for your piece of shit company.

Deceptive because (although you’d have to be an idiot to actually be fooled by it) it is posted anonymously with no reference to the product, service or organization that’s being represented. Actually the consumer protection act of Ontario has legislated against this behavior, but it is difficult to enforce when dealing with trans-boundary Internet companies.

Ineffective because no one cares about the company, perhaps some targeted segmenting to identify potential customers would help you. Do you see the shit I write about? It’s retarded, why post on my site. Go to this site , do it there, he needs the attention.

Embarrassing because it’s glaringly obvious that you read somewhere that blogs are the hip new thing and your trying to capitalize on it. Way to go fuck faces, perhaps this would have been cutting edge like 3 years ago, you need to fire you marketing team, and your consultants, hell axe you IT team as well, they probably had something to do with this. It proves they have no comprehension of their own customers or their needs.

So going forward, I will be emailing the company and making the same comments on their site, such unique and effective ones like their response to me making fun of N. Korea’s website

Anonymous said...
Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.

Nice grammar. Or how about my post on the situation in Isreal, no the other situation in Israel

Anonymous said...
Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.

Color scheme? It’s green asshole! Or what about my birthday post, as if it wasn’t clear the first time

Anonymous said...
Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.

Thank you, I get it, great color scheme, thanks for reiterating it. Odds are, they’ll probably comment again saying they like the font I use or some bullshit. Guaranteed this company is bankrupt in 6 months…

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Backpacker Memoirs

I remember years ago walking through Sorrento Italy. We found an orchard; in it was lemons, limes, oranges all the size of footballs. It was crazy; the tree limbs hung low under their weight. It was amazing to see. This place was just a street over from our hostel and we walked by it fifty times and never noticed it until that day. Sorrento is by far the most aromatic city I've ever been to, stepping off the train when we arrived we were greeted by the smell of freshly baked bread, and the sweet smell of gelato when we stepped out onto the street. But it wasn’t until I entered this orchard that the smell was truly overwhelming. We meandered through the rows of trees and followed a long path until we saw an old man sitting at a picnic table. In front of him he had bottles lined up of different liqueurs. We sampled the lemon and nectarine they were amazing. I was intrigued by the basil drink- not so hot. We bought two bottles each for our parents and kept exploring. We walked across a long bridge spanning a valley and watched as plump oranges fell from the trees and cascaded, hundreds of them, down the hill to the valley below. They rolled down the slope like a colorful waterfall. It was wild to see, fruit in such abundance that literally an army of oranges could rain down and no one minded. No one worried about waste or overheads, just as long as the one perfect orange ended up in your hands in the end, that’s all you cared about. Sweet delirium conveniently segmented.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Courage my love...

I just celebrated my birthday. I’m 25 now, kind of weird. People tell me I need to grow up, that I need to be more serious and finish school and start my career. I’m not a huge fan of the idea. Yeah sure I’m tired of working shit jobs going paycheque to paycheque. I’d probably like to eat more, but there’s something to be said about my lifestyle I guess.

I’m pretty content, but not exactly where I want to be. I’m one of the busiest guys I know, and a lot of the things I do makes for an impressive CV, but I’m probably most renown for my lethargy. I graduated from Seneca College over 2 years ago and I never bothered to fill out the paper work to matriculate because I didn’t want to stand in line. So now my Diploma says “graduate of 2006” rather than 2004. Basically knocking 2 years off my work experience. It’s bad enough I took so long to graduate, (5 years for a 3 year program) add another 2 due to laziness and I’m looking at 7 years and still no BA.

Fine with me, I once took a semester off because the new EA Sports hockey game came out for PS2. I played like 3 seasons before getting bored. If only success in life could be measure by the deepness of your tan. My brother used to say that he doesn’t get paid for the work he does (he's a philosopher and his job is to think all day). I used to make fun of him, but now I feel the same. Everyday I’m researching, I’ve decided to be a writer and each day I collect stories that one-day I may commit to paper. So it’s like a really long orientation session for a job. I suppose this opens me up to criticism because as you can see my writing isn’t the greatest, but I’ll work on it. Hell my brother can always help edit…

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I found this, it totally wrecked my day I got nothing done. Steve-o you’re gonna’ love it!

Yo Check it!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

My buddy Matt is visiting from Israel, he’s gonna’ be here for a month. Matt’s Dad dated my Aunt for years so we pretty much grew up together, making us essentially cousins. They broke up and Matt returned to Israel and I hadn’t seen him in years. We reconnected last year when he came to visit his Dad, and it’s the same situation this year.

Hanging out last night at the Red Room on Spadina, he told me of the Kibbutz he lived on in the middle of the dessert. For those who are unfamiliar, a Kibbutz is a commune. There he worked at a steel shop fixing stuff for other people on the Kibbutz. All the money is then given to the Kibbutz and it pays for everything for everyone. His Mom, who works as a midwife, technically makes $700US per delivery, but she’s paid the same each month whether she delivers 10 babies or if she delivers none, in fact she’s paid the same as the person who runs the steel mill her son works at, or the person who tends to the petting zoo. It’s a pretty cool system, no one ever goes hungry, there’s no real jealously, (except over girls who seem to be in short supply on the Kibbutz) and it’s generally a peaceful environment. He says there is such a stark difference between his Mother who is paid nothing but satisfaction in Israel, and his Father who slaves away and is pretty well off but miserable in Toronto.

One of the coolest things he said to me was “We are not a consumer of culture, we are creators of it” He doesn’t rely on TV or the Internet to provide entertainment for him, he goes out and makes it himself. Once he borrowed the Kibbutz’s forklift and started uprooting trees and replanted them and made a forest, and then a hill, and then a bar and a stage and a big bonfire pit and held a concert for the community, playing a flute he made himself in the steel shop. This was just an afternoon project and he was free to do it because everyone is so carefree.

He now lives in Tel Aviv, but a week ago yesterday, he went back to visit before comming to Canada. He sat smoking a joint under the setting dessert sun, lazily strumming a mandolin in the company of good friends and listened to the bomb blasts 30kms away in Gaza. Worlds apart…

Monday, July 10, 2006

Random Encounters…

Last Friday on my way through The Market I ran into a guy named Lazlo. He was Hungarian and I am Hungarian, so we bonded over the two sentences my father bothered to teach me. He told me of his family history, and flirted with my date. It was pretty cool. As fun as it was, I have to find a new route home. Your always running into interesting people and it really slows down your progress when all you want to do is get home and go to bed. I had one underage girl who was drunk with her aunt insist I watch her pee... good times.

Lazlo told me of the old empire of Dalmatia, which is on the north shore of the Adriatic Sea, now modern day Croatia. Apparently these guys were kick ass for a while, they even gave an Emperor to Rome. They are most renown for their spotted dogs, but they were at one point a real military force. He also informed me of a quaint saying from the old country. He looked at my date (now fiancé) and said “I want…I want” searching for the English translation. “What do Chickens have?” I responded talons, but that wasn’t it. Lazlo pointed at his stomach and did a weird twisty hand thing. My fiancé then added “gizzard?” “Yes, I want to eat your gizzards!”

He insisted that he meant no insult, but apparently that’s what you say to a cute girl in Hungary. I want to eat your gizzards. Smoothe.

Friday, July 07, 2006

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nevermind I'm better now

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Usually I’m pretty cool, fun loving etc, but I’ve just been down a bit lately. I’m turning 25 next week, trying to quit smoking, get in shape whatever. But right now I’ve been more funk than fantastic. I’ve had trouble writing, I read my brothers blog, I look at the archives from when he was my age and the stuff he wrote. Its always so funny, and I’m all like “why can’t I think like that?”
I need to come up with some funny stuff, its hard to write about yourself, so I try not to. I hate blogs that are all current events and stuff. I’d never fancy myself a secondary news source, number one cuz I don’t ever know what’s going on, and secondly cuz I’m not so self important to pretend that people would really want to hear my opinion. That’s why I write about stupid shit like ghosts and stuff. I guess there’s no real experts in the field, and anyone who claims to be one is a crazy bitch, so I can be all like my knowledge is definitive don’t question me.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Korean BBQ

Today the DPRK launched its 7th test missile. The Taepodong-2, has the ability to strike places as far as Alaska. This poses a serious threat to international security, and it has its neighbors worried. South Korea, Japan, China are all nervous at this prospect, Russia however, continues to send them tanks and oil. The reason Russia ‘aint scared is because they’ve checked out the DPRK’s website. If North Koreas nuclear scientists and rocketry experts are anywhere as good as their webmasters we should be okay. See for yourself at .

There you’ll find delicious recipes smacking of anti American goodness. As well as a 12 minute car commercial for Kim Jong Il’s car of choice. Apparently they haven’t heard of editing, or attention spans for that matter.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

This just in- a commemorative coin set has just been issued by the mint of Transdniestra. This was a breakaway republic of Moldova that declared independence after the fall of he Soviet Union. They were supported by the Soviet army, and has since yielded very little in the way of progress of any kind. . Transdniestra is wedged between Moldova and Ukraine on the east bank of the Dniestra river. It’s considered one of the last bastions of Soviet Russia, but it has severe problems. Neither of its neighbors recognizes its existence, and is largely considered an imagined state. There is a heavy Russian peacekeeping force of 15,000 soldiers and not much else. Apparently their biggest export are these commemorative coins and bank notes, see for yourself, just try googling the name of the country. There’s so little money in the country that a single incident of capital flight of any large degree would cripple this war torn country. Hence these coins are vastly sought after. These damn coins get more news coverage then their 10-year war with Moldova. If you get your hands on it, keep it I guess, they may just work in parking meters in Toronto.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Pick One

Perhaps history can tell us a little about behavior and regret. The following is an excerpt of a letter written to Nero, Emperor of Rome, from his Mother Agrippina, before she was executed…

“…What does the title of empress mean to me, if I am accused of a crime that even the basest of women would abhor? Unhappy are those who breathe the air of the court. The wisest of people are not secure from storms in that harbor. There even a calm is dangerous. But why blame the court? Can that be the cause of my being suspect of parricide?… Tell me why would I plot against your life? To plunge myself into a worse fate? That’s not likely. What hopes could induce me to build upon your downfall? I know that the lust for empire often corrupts the laws of nature; that justice has no sword to punish those who offend in this way; and that ambition disregards wrong so long as it succeeds in its aim...Nay to what deity could I turn to absolution after I have committed so black a deed?”

Feeling guilty?

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