Wednesday, August 30, 2006

You weren’t there, so eat a dick!

I'm gonna tell you about the first time I killed a zombie. Ray wasn't there so before you hit me with your calculator...go eat a dick!

Anyways, I was ten years old. At that time the greatest love of my life was salad. So much so that it almost spelled disaster for me the first time I encountered a zombie. By now everyone must know how much I hate the undead buggers, this one was real ugly and slow as shit. It wasn't a cool hyper zombie a la 28 Days Later. This was a lazy ass 80's zombie, dorky track suite, high tops, a fade, the works. So anyways I was in my kitchen fixing some KD after school when the zombie knocked on the door. I was all like "what the hell are you doing here zombie?" and he was all like" Yo' why don’t you step right now, I'm trying to eat your brains"

So as a 10 year old I was scared, I wasn’t then regarded as the worlds foremost expert on zombies like I am now, so I didn’t really know what to do. My big brother once told me that vampires hated garlic, so I thought maybe that might work on zombies too. But on the other hand, he also told me I was adopted and my real parents were robots, and that a dildo was a type of snake (that went over well when I asked my mom) so I didn’t know if I could trust him.

So I went to the fridge anyways and grabbed some garlic, but then I saw the love of my life-salad. So delicious, fresh from the garden, recently prepared by my mom. Since this zombie was slow, I figured I could probably mow down on a lil' salad before he got to me. One problem though, the salad was a little light on the extras, I like my salad with carrots and onions, croutons and all that. So I grabbed a knife and stared dicing up some tomatoes. I julienned some carrots then minced some onions. It was a culinary master-piece (after the destruction of earth and the re-evolution of man, maybe manna from heaven will come in this form). Anyways, I was feeling pretty proud of myself, I had a kick ass salad and I was good to go. But then this broke ass zombie moved in front of the open door of the fridge. I was all like "Hey man, 'aint nobody come between me and my zesty Italian!" The zombie, non receptive to the urgency of my demand simply asked "You gonna’ back that ass up, or should I push up on it?"

Gross, this homo zombie cannibal bitch is trying to hump me! So I had to waste him. Booya! Onions in the eyes. Take that bitch, why don’t you cry a little, then I followed up with the crouton-carrot-combo. Smack! Smack! "What now? Bring it" said the zombie This zombie was starting to piss me off so I had to do it! Thanks to the marvels of the tomato (which has the highest latent heat capacity of all vegetables, that is the ability to retain heat) I plopped this plump little bastard in the pot of boiling water from my KD, fished it out then smacked him in the face with it.
The zombie was completely incapacitated by this, which made the requisite cutting off the head and burning the body separately a breeze. Ever since then I have a deep respect and appreciation for salad and refuse to eat it as a sign of reverence.


At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you criticize me for talkign about "hair" on my blog, which I don't! and you talk about zooooooooooooombies aka zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz hahaha, jokes funny shit my boy, "why don't you step" im sure zombies talk ghetto like that, can you give me suggestion topics for my blog please? mister blog expert! peace out

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous ray said...

as you suggest, considering i am a homo zombie, i will go and eat dick!

At 4:28 PM, Anonymous ray said...

the first dick i see....oh tender sweet dick, i like it with mustard....mmmm oh so bloody!


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