Thursday, August 17, 2006

Bon Voyage El Chupacabra!

Seeing as I'm the world’s foremost expert on the subject I'm a little disappointed that my good friend "Chuppy" didn’t drop me a line to say he was nearby. I was also very sad to hear that my good buddy has died. Read the article here

Below is an obituary that I crafted to recognize all the hard work that our friend has done over the years.

El Chupacabra, ?-2006

Violently, by a hapless motorist on the morning of Saturday 12th, in Turner, ME.

“Chuppy” or "Hybrid Mutant thing" as he was affectionately referred to, made history by being one of the most enduring scourges on the Mexican population. Zapatistas and dysentery do not have the combined number of kills as this legendary creature.

Originating in Southern Mexico, and revered by Aztecs and Olmecs of old, El Chupacabras started gaining popularity when it started haunting the villages of Puerto Rico. In recent years it has began traveling extensively reaching as far south as Chile, and now on its most northern expedition to date was terminated.

As a child, Chuppy, was a shy recluse who only came out at night. His childhood friends the Moth man and the New Jersey Devil both recall him as being charming if not a little misunderstood. Chuppy, witnessed the arrival of the Spaniards in the 1400's and lamented their brutal treatment of the local people. It was then that Montezuma commissioned the young Chupacabras to exact vengeance upon the intruders, and for a brief period was considered the original Montezuma’s revenge.

At the time, the road to El Dorado was littered with the corpses of conquistadors. And he was forever immortalized for his service to the empire when he was honored with the construction of the "calle de los muertos" or the Boulevard of the Dead. Rumors swirled that El Chupacabras was killed when it didn’t show up to the ground breaking of the route. But a year later he appeared in time for the opening of it, just in time to leave an impression in the still wet Bronze Age cement.

In recent years El Chupacabras fell into obscurity a little when Mexican President, Vincente Fox, was declared the nuevo chupacabres by its rightist opponents. It was assumed that Chuppy joined a paramilitary operation in Guatemala and Ecuador, due to the brutalized remains of some military officials. To this day, that portion of Chuppy's history is relatively unknown. During this time drug cartels seized control of the region and some attribute this to the viscous killing force of El Chupacabras.

Considered by some a scourge of God, and others the protector of indigenous rights, El Chupacabre has always been shrouded in mystery. Best remembered for his crooked teeth a luminescent eyes, as well as his penchant for murder, Chuppy was always quick the laugh and enjoyed the blood of farmyard animals. Friends will miss his quirky demeanor and progressive stance on interspecies marriages.

Chuppy died at an unknown age and was killed during one of his favorite hobbies- chasing a cat across the road.

I'll close with the kind remarks of a fellow Chupacabras loyalist..

"What we need to do is alert the Mexican government that we have captured the beast, then prepare a raft of palms to send it across Three Mile Pond toward the underworld. The raft should be doused with kerosene and lit, because what we do know about the Chupacabra is that it would rather burn alive that suffer the chilly waters of the lake."

Goodbye Chuppy we will miss you.


At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need to be held.........someone hold me? How can this happen to such a beautiful thing? misunderstood eh? Can you relate to that blogger? And oh Ray, whoever you be, im interested in this virgin thing, is it just straightforward virgin or is it like a nun virgin who finds a way around it..........OOOOOOOOOOOH! sorry if this is too vulgar i havent gotten good lovin' lately

At 10:57 AM, Blogger El Chupacabra said...

I've been there a time or two. Alone in a crowd, stuff like that. But not to the extent as Chuppy.

And I shouldn't be so hard of poor Ray. Perhaps I'll craft some sort of personal ad for him to help him get hooked up.


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