Pulled along, pulled apart
I remember hiding in Ottawa, under the covers…so close to the floor that was my responsibility to sweep. I wasn’t working so I was in charge of house work. How was I supposed to make it up to the woman who was supporting me when all I had to sweep could be crossed in two paces? There was a lot of white woodwork and molding that collected dust in ways impossible to clean. It decoratively framed my prison and I remember trying to stay out of the corners; regret, much like dust, settles there. I would sit all day and worry and watch all my efforts erode into lists of all that she gave me; and all that I didn’t give back.
I would open the window and shake out a rug or stack the cd’s that were sprawled on the floor but generally I would have the will only to hide in my bed dreading the fact that I would have to return the movie before she got home from work. If I found a few cents I would stop by the Sugar Mountain on the way back; that would make it bearable.
Labels: bored, going crazy, little thoughts
You, appearing.
On a roof top patio in Montreal recently I sat and watched as the only modern crush I’ve ever had systematically dismantled me. I rarely truly fall, tempted certainly, but never reduced to this. So as words failed me she leapt upon the ever increasing power differential and exploited my vulnerability. Her nostrils flared at the smell of blood as it came pouring out of me; through my hemorrhaging eyes that couldn’t meet hers for the shame, my silence pouring giant red waves into her ears as she listened to her barbs separate flesh from bone. She struck, and she struck harder. I always preferred blunt instruments, I see she did too. Carefully and recklessly bludgeoned the fuck out of my heart that I was foolish enough to expose.
I remember thinking how did she gain this leverage? And why is it that I’m less concerned with my absence of power as a political tool and just totally engrossed in every word that crossed her teeth. I would never treat her this way. Miscalculation burns. The only solace left to take on that cold and empty roof was knowing that because of her tremendous anger towards me, that at least at one point, she must have cared about me too.
Labels: bad friends, tender tender flesh, travel
My words they dont come out right, but I'll try and say I'm happy for you..
For the first time ever, I’ve edited my blog. Often I’ll sit down drunk and rant, then awake the next morning embarrassed. But through it all, I haven’t deleted any of them, until now. Below is the edited version…
Feb 26, 2007
Her
(e) I am, drunk as
(non sexual expletive) and ready to party. My OCD is acting up and I can’t stop smacking my lips. I pull dirty cigarette butts from the ashtray and sip water out of a champagne glass, its not that I’m classy but it’s the only clean glass. My head is swinging like a metronome to the
(band that I no longer hate) and I’m chewing on candy. This post is a big fuck you to
(Organization I was once mad at but have since moved on)I just sat through a
(aforementioned org) social where I heard tones of stories about fun trips to Harvard and
(non judgmental description) (
appropriate noun that conveys correct amount of respect) Juicy from
(Italy, still hate that country. You SUCK Italy). I didn’t go cuz last year (
unflattering remark) (non gender-specific insult) caused such a fuss about my giant
(unintentional testosterone byproduct) and my impossible sexy eyes. I made
(sucky organization) and now I sit back and watch it get slapped in the fucking face with a
(post modern social movement that I have since gotten a lot of respect for) shovel. I’m cut out of the loop and can’t enjoy any of the fruits of my labour, because someone took it upon them self to
(exert their free will, and I’m happy for them and their autonomy). Grrrr! I’m
(unreasonably) angry
(but legitimately) upset; I’d like a point of parliamentary privilege to shit all over them.
I’m dizzy and mad, my head is heavy and my lips are dry and I can’t figure out this damn backspace on my new computer. If I could pull my shit together I’d tell everyone they need to eat a dick! I could have been the
(long winded self aggrandizing rant, that exposes my own insecurity more than anything else) In stead I’m stuck at this computer like a jerk complaining, sucking my lip and blinking in a fit of tormented rage and self deprecation.
Labels: actual stuff, little thoughts
I choose to feel it but you couldn't choose...
One time our bodies swayed when we hit an uneven bump on the highway. Our arms even touched. That was the first time and it was soft. I told you how I was stealing your negative ions and that at a molecular level that you were flirting with me. You laughed and tried to understand and I took myself too seriously.
I told you how my vocabulary was unfortunately insufficient to be able to describe everything I wanted to say. And that was the reason I always acted out the way I did. When words fail-fists will do.
I explained why everything is symbolic. How would you feel if you knew that just over those hills there were monsters? You'd read into things too...
Labels: going crazy, tender tender flesh
I’ll see you in hell, and it’ll be nothing like it seems
Further afield, deliverance will rain like meteor showers where each and every streak across a dark and endless sky will excite an illuminate. Nations will gasp under its magnificence; people will wish upon or kiss beneath them as they pass.
Scientists will scramble to study them and scribble coordinates late into the night. Young lovers will wrap them selves in picnic blankets and endure mildew and strong coffee and early mornings all at once.
Once every 10,000 years I will feel like this.
It was all good just a week ago (part II)
Well I think this is funny at least. While taking full advantage of the self serve bar in the Elk Lodge in gay old St. John’s I stumbled upon an unused 2L milk jug. So I pumped it full of Kitty Bitty light and staggered around the dance floor pouring sloppy mouthfuls to semi-willing party goers. By the end of the night I’m pretty sure that most everyone (save a few, who due to a miscalculation, received an icy splash right down their shirt) put their lips directly on the jug. So between the beer baptisms and meningitis swapping I forgot about what happened next. Then a pic surfaced on facebook of me sticking my dick directly into the jug.
Its all rushing back to me now.
Labels: travel, uncontrollable urges
Waiting and wondering whether you’re falling apart.
I’ve done it; I’ve now been in every province in the country. And I’m proud to say I couldn’t have gone out in a more lude and inappropriate fashion. The same night that saw me peeing on the floor of the Memorial University cafeteria next to our make shift bed of discarded knitted blankets of the rez we broke into because we were too drunk to find our proper building also saw me rent my shirt at a George Street bar and offer free licks to whoever dared. I was a mess, which has become an Atlantic tradition for me.
Sorry for all the LOTR comparisons but Conception Bay looked a lot like it. Towering cliffs adorned with 15th century fortresses split to offer a peak of a distant and hostile Europe beyond its dark waters. Everyone was impossible to understand when they spoke but their glowering stares were quite clear was we chanted our way up Water Street during their Gay Pride Parade. It was worlds apart from Toronto where the whole community comes out to celebrate. Here its was definitely making a statement, windows rolled up as we passed so thy wouldn't catch our AIDS and fishermen scowled while hiding in recessed shop door ways. It made me keenly aware of what it would be like to be judged and unaccepted by your community. It was an important lesson for me especially since for some unknown reason I was right at the front, and it was so small that I could interact with people as I passed by. There was no security of anonymity like you would experience in Toronto. Each person you walked by you spoke directly to them, with nothing between you except misunderstanding.
Labels: actual stuff, little thoughts, travel
