ghosts & admissons: I suppose this is cyclical

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I suppose this is cyclical

So I’ve started reading about myths. Not of monsters or gremlins or my usual stuff, but myths that we as a people collectively believe about ourselves. As Canadians, for better or worse, we have them. When times our tough they’re used to galvanize people against impossible odds, rising inflation, war in far away lands, the Leafs about to get bumped from a playoff spot. We believe that we once rose above impossible circumstances way back when we were fur traders in frigid winters in hostile and foreign lands, and now we summon that same spirit to ride out tough times. We even extend it to our new neighbours, immigrants from far and wide who are now on foreign soil and in a bewildering wilderness. We are unified by the fact that we’re all newcomers and that we share a common experience. We believe this about ourselves and it gives comfort.

So I’ve started to think about the myths I have about myself, either born of my own imagination or overheard when people don’t realize I know that they’re gossiping about me. I feel that I’m caring and sensitive, enigmatic and quirky. Some say I’m manipulative and cunning, selfish and cruel. I suppose the truth lies somewhere in the middle, but often I don’t know what to believe about myself. How can someone as self-centered as myself be that genuine and caring? Or how could I be inclusive and empowering when I’m a control freak?

I don’t know what ideal of myself I need to channel and when I do it’s often at the wrong time. I’m task oriented when I should just listen, I’m touchy feely in stressful situations. I take the wrong cues from everywhere and have the exact opposite response that socialization dictates I should have. I suppose the reality is I’m confused.

Am I supposed to be at peace with that? Is certainty only important in dire situations? Or does unbridled passion and negligence allow some excitement in the face of certainty?