Tuesday, February 26, 2008

the first five times

Im having panic attacks daily, sometimes several times a day. I'm used to panic, perhaps I thrive on it. I imagine panic as a palpable thing, like i can see it in gust of wind or creeping fog that persecutes everyone in its path. Maybe i refuse to see it as an independant experience but more like mass hysteria, that snowballs and causes people to scatter and infect those around them. Because I can see it's lurking shadows and menacing grimace I can play with it and actually get a perverse enjoyment from it. When things are so absurdely difficult I can only help but laugh...well not always. But these past few days have been different, I've found myself on my back on the couch; my breath escaping me. Its not some monster clanging pots and pans around the corner, its a quiet internal presser squeezing the air out of me. I have to concentrate and force my self to relax. Theres no fantasy escape route to navigate without getting bitten, its this powerlessness that prevents me from having any agency over my own body.

I suppose at the moment my mind is strong enough to Jedi it away but to be honest I dont really want to leave the proper operation of my body's systems to my mind....it has already failed me before.

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2 Comments:

At 1:09 AM, Anonymous sleeping on matt's couch said...

nice read. i'm going to bed without bb now. have a good sleep. good night. i'll see you tomorrow =)

 
At 12:17 AM, Anonymous Stephen said...

I wonder what you would find being so used to the idea of having to face something like that, that you get to do more than just anticipate it. You get to actual revel in it (if you can be said to be doing that!)

It isn't the same thing but I remember feeling faint due to giving blood, and never liked needles. So the next time it happened I wanted to see how I really reacted. I made myself watch every pierce and pulse of blood.. I think it cured me...

 

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